This is (not) 40.

I wish you could see me right now. Wait. I'll paint you a picture. I'm wearing black yoga pants that prominently display my ass crack and a hoodie that has a large bleach outline of the bottom of the tub scrub brush on the front. I'm choking on one of the many Rolos I have been stealing from the bag that I'm supposed to bring to my future-sister-in-law's bridal shower tomorrow. I'm sitting on my couch surrounded by laundry, typing up this blog post on my laptop while I watch This is 40 (6.3 stars on IMDB? generous..) because the trailer made it look like a movie that might make me motivated to make the best out of this life even though I'm turning into a bitter, old, fat hag.

I'm 32.

In the middle of all of this glamour I had the bright idea to start a new blog, because it's time to make some changes in my life and maybe writing about it will help me get there. You see, as this blog name suggests, I am a HUGE bitch. And I often wear stretch pants. Like every day. I get home from work, the stuffy work pants come off, the stretch pants go on. I wake up on the weekends, the stretch pants go on. And do you know what's under those stretch pants? Gigantic beige granny panties that make Mr. Bitch want to collect them all into a gigantic pile and light those mother fuckers on FIRE.

I wear these pants because 1. I'm incredibly lazy and 2. I am carrying about 60 extra pounds that found their way to my body over the past year. Mr. B says he likes the boobs and butt I'm rocking these days but when I look in the mirror all I see is Mama June**. For real. Then I go eat a cheeseburger.

The bitch part, well, I mean, do I really have to explain? Don't worry, you'll see what I mean as the blog posts start flowing. So let's get on with it then, shall we?

** For the record, I think Mama June is a rock star and as a matter of fact, she's lost quite a bit of weight herself. But that whole missing jawline thing - I've got a whole lot of that going on.