I wish you could see me right now. Wait. I'll paint you a picture. I'm wearing black yoga pants that prominently display my ass crack and a hoodie that has a large bleach outline of the bottom of the tub scrub brush on the front. I'm choking on one of the many Rolos I have been stealing from the bag that I'm supposed to bring to my future-sister-in-law's bridal shower tomorrow. I'm sitting on my couch surrounded by laundry, typing up this blog post on my laptop while I watch This is 40 (6.3 stars on IMDB? generous..) because the trailer made it look like a movie that might make me motivated to make the best out of this life even though I'm turning into a bitter, old, fat hag.
the middle of all of this glamour I had the bright idea to start a new
blog, because it's time to make some changes in my life and maybe
writing about it will help me get there. You see, as this blog name
suggests, I am a HUGE bitch. And I often wear stretch pants. Like every
day. I get home from work, the stuffy work pants come off, the stretch
pants go on. I wake up on the weekends, the stretch pants go on. And do
you know what's under those stretch pants? Gigantic beige granny panties
that make Mr. Bitch want to collect them all into a gigantic pile and
light those mother fuckers on FIRE.
I wear these pants
because 1. I'm incredibly lazy and 2. I am carrying about 60 extra
pounds that found their way to my body over the past year. Mr. B says he
likes the boobs and butt I'm rocking these days but when I look in the
mirror all I see is Mama June**. For real. Then I go eat a cheeseburger.
bitch part, well, I mean, do I really have to explain? Don't worry,
you'll see what I mean as the blog posts start flowing. So let's get on
with it then, shall we?
** For the record, I think
Mama June is a rock star and as a matter of fact, she's lost quite a bit
of weight herself. But that whole missing jawline thing - I've got a
whole lot of that going on.